By Melissa Billie Clark
It is said that if two people are destined to be together, they will find each other when the stars align. An accidental meet-cute made by Michele’s friend fifteen years ago altered the lives of two individuals who had led completely different lives.
Sean Kanan, a daytime Emmy award-winning producer and actor known for his roles as Deacon Sharpe on CBS’s “The Bold and the Beautiful” and Mike Barnes on the popular Netflix series “Cobra Kai,” realized Michele was the one for him when he first laid eyes on her. Kanan reflects, “I’ve heard the expression that women can be all four seasons in one day. It must have been monsoon season when I first saw Michele because she was very animated and upset about something, clearly in a heated state. I took one look at her and thought to myself, ‘I’m going to marry this woman.'”
Michele had every reason to feel that way that day, as she had just left her ex-husband. Her life was vastly different from Sean’s Hollywood lifestyle; she was busy raising four kids in the suburbs, carpooling, and working as an administrator at a successful medical practice. However, Michele decided to break free and pursue a career in Hollywood, which ultimately paid off as she became an Emmy award-winning producer for “Studio City,” now available on Amazon Prime and Roku.
Together, they’ve creatively configured a guide, “Way of the Cobra Couples,” that provides a unique approach that combines tools, experience, common-sense psychology, and practical relationship strategies, using the metaphor of karate. Similar to martial arts, relationships also require respect, which involves discipline, communication, and establishing boundaries. Sean acknowledges that he sought an equal partner and found one in Michele. He explains, “Having an equal partner forces you to engage in critical thinking, both intellectually and emotionally, and that’s what I was looking for.” We wanted to gain further insight into how the Kanans approach their relationship, both from Sean’s perspective and Michele’s.
He Said / She Said
SCS: What are some red flags when first dating?
Sean: I don’t think it’s specific to men, but people play games with time. And by that, I mean, you know, they don’t respond in a timely fashion. Their availability is hot and cold. Look, the bottom line is it’s simple. It’s like this in business; it’s like this in everything. If you’re getting attention from somebody, they’re interested in you. And if you’re unable to reach them or trying to control how they respond to you and you’re chasing it, then they have other priorities. In a relationship, if you’ve got a healthy sense of self-esteem and self-awareness, you know, you don’t want to be somebody’s third or fourth option on the list. You want to be their priority. People quickly let you know if you’re a priority; humans tend not to listen to that because they want to think, and humans are egocentric. We want to believe that we’re everyone’s priority all the time. And when you learn that you can’t control anything other than your emotional responses to external stimuli, it takes a lot of pressure off.
Michele: But it’s just about being clear with them, understanding what that means, and being clear with yourself. We have tools in the book that we give our readers to facilitate the process; it’s set up in chapters where one chapter is your origin story, so come up with your origin story.
Sean: You want to be honest and straightforward and give the other person the best opportunity to decide. Is this someone I want to move forward with? Also, it’s for you too. You can’t get upset if you tell a girl that you want a white picket fence and two kids and live in the suburbs, and you’re going to Vegas twice a week with a wolf pack. It’s not fair to that other person because you’re not giving them an accurate portrayal of who you are.
Michele: They will expect you to behave like a domesticated house cat and put you in a litter box. And we say in the book you made your fluffy kitty bed and now lay in it. But if you’re a tiger, it’s just not going to be comfortable. So why waste your and their effort?
SCS: How can we set boundaries in our relationship?
Sean: There are all sorts of boundaries at the beginning of a relationship, and people will knowingly or unknowingly test your boundaries. If you’re not clear about them, which is a form of trust, for example, if I tell you this thing that you might recoil a little from, you won’t leave. And if they do leave, then you dodged a bullet. Right? But it doesn’t have to be that binary. Boundaries are something that can be organic and move.
Michele: Relationships should be grounded in mutual respect. Boundaries cannot operate on the premise that “my money is my money” while “your money is my money.” Instead, boundaries should foster equity for both partners and the relationship itself, recognizing that three significant elements are involved: you, me, and us.
To maintain balance, it’s vital to establish distinct “buckets” for each aspect of the relationship and ensure that each one is filled appropriately. This way, the relationship remains equitable. Furthermore, regularly checking in with each other regarding your boundaries is important. This may include discussing personal preferences, such as the timing of activities like taking long showers before dinner, and how these choices impact one another.
Sean: That’s an interesting choice of boundaries.
Michele: I’m trying to come up with something that seems silly, but after five years, it grates on one’s nerves.
“Way of the Cobra Couples,” Page 98, “Negotiation requires compromise. The tricky part arises in balancing what relationship boundaries you require in order to have your needs met while agreeing to boundaries you will adhere to, allowing your partner’s needs to be met. Neither of you should agree or give in to a boundary that you don’t intend to honor.”
SCS: Let’s discuss the challenges of blending a family. This topic can be sensitive, especially when young children are involved. How can a parent approach this situation?
Michele: My youngest was eight, and the oldest was 17. It was a turbulent time. It wasn’t just that I had kids; I had teenagers and angry ones. Their whole world had been turned upside down, so we had to have this conversation with them. I recall telling them I know it’s difficult to see your parents with other people, but do you want me to be alone? Being alone will make me unhappy because I don’t have someone to share my life with. I have you, but when you go to see your friends, what am I going to do? Just wait for you to come back?
You teach your kids how to have a relationship and to give space to another person. They realized that they didn’t want me to sit home alone. So, we talked about making space for this person in my life. It’s a process of teaching and getting to know each other. When kids are little, parents lean into wanting to explain things and ensure they’re okay with changes.
I don’t want them to cry and have tantrums, but sometimes those reactions are necessary. They need to learn about boundaries, rules, and handling disappointment.
They need to learn how to soothe themselves. Teaching your child how to soothe themselves later in life is the best tool because, as we get older, our problems get more complicated. You seek other things if you don’t know how to soothe yourself.
We tried hard to ensure that our kids learned that and could talk to us about things in a constructive, not destructive, way. Communication is key when it comes to family.
Sean: I explain to the kids, “If my relationship with your mom doesn’t work, nothing else works.”
Sean and Michele currently live in Los Angeles with their family.
To learn more about Sean & Michele, head over to www.wayofthecobra.com. You can also watch Sean Kanan’s Ted X Talk “How to be the hero of your own story.”
